devvyn

I'm using a new client to post this entry. I mostly just did it because I was tired of typing in the music I was listening to. Semagic has a lot of other useful features as well, so I'll probably stick with this one.

Aside from that, I thought I'd include a fragment of an MSN conversation here, since my last entry ispired some angry comments about how closed-minded I was to the meaning of problems in romantic relationships. (I didn't mean for it to come across as being so specific, but whatever.)


Austin:
I also have found that if you do not share something in common, the relationship will fail more often than survive.

You have to have the same kind of expectations--the same desires--of the relationship for it to fully work or you'll either end up compromising or losing and ending up in an undesireable situation

Devvyn:
I agree.

I think that is the fundamental basis of a good relationship.

Add to that clear communication, a willingness to grow together, and a mutual respect for each others' differences and you have what it takes.

Did I leave anything out?

Austin:
Hmm, I don't think so.

Maybe the fact that you'd have to be willing to be supportive in even the most disgusting of situations.

Devvyn:
...Hmm.

That helps, too, I guess. And the good thing about that kind of attitude is it promotes self-improvement. Keeps you from becoming stale-minded and stubborn.

Austin:
Yes, it does.

I've noticed that kind of change a few times in my current relationship

You learn to compromise and sacrifice because your signifigant other wants something that you don't.

Devvyn:
Indeed. Very important.

For some people, life is composed of destructive cycles of self-loathing, comforting behaviour, self-assurance, self-disappointment, and further self-loathing. Often this comes in basic addictions such as alcoholism, excessive gambling, pornography, or addictive substances. The thing is, these cycles can often be fairly mild, even to the point of reasonable acceptance, such as in the case of many nicotine addictions. Some smokers don't really hate smoking all that much, they've just realised that hating smoking is what it will take to quit. Perhaps smoking is the special exception where the degenerative cycle is commonly harnessed as a source of motivation for finding an exit from the unhealthy pattern. It's a clever and effective tool of self-improvement which begins with recognising the problem and the recognising the power within one's self to effect a new, more satisfying pattern of behaviour (maybe take up sunflower seeds?)

For some people, this kind of destructive pattern takes a bizarre form: addiction to incompatible people. Now, why does this happen!? How many of us know at least one person who has been dating the same asshole retard on-and-off for eternity, against recommendations of friends and loved ones, blind to what they really are: a bad influence. This addict can't recognise the negative cycle they are caught in because there are often moments of positive reinforcement which escalate the cycle enough to continue through another bout of loathing and depression. It's a lot like when a gambler hits a big payout at the slots. It's a rush, an assurance, a feeling of being okay after all, even though the power is scheduled for disconnection at home. It's enough to get through that period of sitting around in the dark, hating your circumstances, hating yourself, even. Eventually, you take out another loan to pay off the power company, get things back on track (sort of) and move forward. The thing is, by then, you're building up a history of patch-fixes which take more work to undo than planning ahead would have.

People in destructive relationships are equal participants with their partners in an addictive cycle much like the one described above. You fight and fight until you hate each other and yourselves for getting involved, but eventually you latch on to that feeling that "maybe I can make this work, and things will be okay." Jackpot! You've got a patch-fix (such as ignoring an issue) which builds up over time with every other problem that doesn't really go away and all the while you've convinced yourself that things are looking up and it was all worthwhile. Meanwhile, the power is scheduled to be disconnected at home, only this time, I'm talking about emotions. If you find yourself in one of these situations, do your future self a favour and see it for what it is. Depression leads to some very irrational thought which always seems perfectly appropriate at the time. Recognise this now and don't put yourself in such a vulnerable state of mind. You wouldn't drink 20 shots of vodka before going into court to defend your best friend on a false murder charge, so why would you stay in a relationship that has put you through depression more than once?

Separate yourself from the junkies, gamblers, and alcoholics. Keep your head straight. Above all, don't put yourself in denial, no matter how much more comfortable it is. It's the loser's way out, and it's the reason we have 50-year-old losers out there--I know you've all seen them.